Jill’s Life Updates and Random Thoughts

We’re dumb. Go love your dandelions:

GOD: Francis, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there in the USA? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees, and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now, but all I see are these green rectangles.

ST. FRANCIS: It’s the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers “weeds,” and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD: Grass? But it’s so boring. It’s not colorful. It doesn’t attract butterflies, birds, and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It’s temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it, sometimes twice a week.

GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS: No, sir — just the opposite. They pay to throw is away.

GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And when it does grow, they cut if off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS: Yes, sir.

GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS: You aren’t going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so that they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD: What nonsense! At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It’s a natural circle of life.

ST. FRANCIS: You’d better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter, and to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD: And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD: Enough! I don’t want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you’re in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE: “Dumb and Dumber,” Lord. It’s a real stupid movie about…

GOD: Never mind. I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.

One of the women I work with was looking up diets the other day. She was considering all the usual ones; you know, South Beach, Atkins, etc etc. Now, I’m not a fan of diets, but she really found one that suits me well. It goes something like this:

The Pasta-Chocolate Diet

The Pasta-Chocolate Diet focuses on:

• Pastas
• Pasta sauces
• Salads with low-calorie, fat-free dressings
• Vegetables
• Fresh fruit
• Popcorn (air-popped, no butter or salt)
• Chocolate (1 ounce)
• Water (2 quarts per day)

On the Pasta-Chocolate Diet you are encouraged to swap items for meals as needed and snack between meals. Having options for meals allows one to adjust the diet according to whim or desire…

An excellent point of the diet is that total abstinence could be counter-productive. That is why the diet includes snacking and satisfaction of your craving for chocolate, although you are limited to a 1 ounce serving of chocolate. An ounce of chocolate is equivalent to 1/4 cup chocolate chips, 2/3 Hershey bar, or one square of semi-sweet baking chocolate.

It is assumed that one could substitute the 1 ounce chocolate portion of this diet for any 1 ounce, non-diet food item that you crave.

So if you replace air-popped popcorn with unsalted rice cakes, that pretty much looks like my diet. Here’s the thing that kills it, though:

The following items are to be avoided while on the Pasta-Chocolate Diet:

• Alcoholic beverages
• Salt/sodium
• Sugars (artificial sweeteners are okay)
• Oils
• Oily fruits (avocados, olives, coconuts)
• High sugar/cal fruits (raisins, figs, dates)
• Fried foods
• Dairy products
• Red meats
• Nuts and seeds
• Unauthorized snacks (chips, junk food, candies, cakes, pies, etc.)
• Coffee/caffeine
• Carbonated soft drinks

I like dairy products. And unauthorized snacks (lately I’m addicted to potato chips). And alcoholic beverages. You know I can’t live without those. (That’s a joke. Only sinners drink alcoholic beverages. And I don’t sin. Ever. Unless being awesome is a sin.) So really what I want is the pasta-chocolate-cheese-chip diet. Yum.

With my undying affection,
Jill

PS - I was just kidding. I do sin. On occasion. And I still love you even if you drink alcoholic beverages.

PPS - If you’d like to learn more about the Pasta-Chocolate diet, you can go here.

I had the opportunity last night to see a community theater production of Bat Boy: The Musical, in which my stepsister’s boyfriend Michael played a few roles (he’s really very cool. Anyone who can fix my broken internet gets extra-cool points in my book). Since I thoroughly enjoyed the show, I thought I would commemorate the evening with some haikus…

numero uno

he’s half boy, half bat.
he has a british accent.
what’s better than that?

numero dos

my favorite tech geek
pretends to be a woman
and wears eyeliner

numero tres

drums, keyboards, singing
one girl didn’t know the words
which was distracting

numero quatro

my favorite part
was when they started rapping
and it made me laugh

mmm, haikus are wonderful. I think everyone should speak in haikus. It would make the world a better place. Bye.

JML

Hey hey! So here’s the thing… it’s almost Christmas, and I haven’t quite started shopping for gifts yet. Oops… Yes, I know, I’m a slacker, but I’ll suffer tomorrow when I have to fight the crowds to get my gifts. In other news, if I didn’t have enough reasons to love my job, I just got one more. I wasn’t really expecting this, but I got a ton of gifts from parents and my (amazing) coworkers at work this week. This included lots of chocolate, and cookies. Yum. Not that this is what Christmas is all about, but I do love getting presents.

But the real news tonight is that I will be giving blood on Tuesday for the first time in over a year. “But why would you wait so long if you’re such a big blood-giving advocate?” you might ask. Well, partly because I’m lazy, partly because my schedule has been crazy, and partly because I had a really bad passing-out experience last time I gave blood (but it was my own fault). Don’t be scared… most people who give blood don’t pass out, and it really barely hurts at all. Less than an hour of time and a pint of blood is really not a large sacrifice, when you consider that someone in the United States needs blood every two seconds. This isn’t about being scared of needles; it’s about life and death. Consider the following situation:

You are driving home one night when a rabid reindeer jumps in front of your car. You swerve to avoid hitting it, and find yourself upside-down in a ditch, bleeding profusely from your carotid artery. By some miracle, you remain alive until the paramedics find you and transport you to the hospital. You are badly in need of a blood transfusion. Now here’s the thing. You’re O-positive, I’m O-positive, but I was too busy sitting in front of my computer to go give blood, so there is none to give you and you die.

Doesn’t sound like fun, doesn’t it? But this is what happens every day, because only 5% of eligible donors actually give blood. The blood supply is often critically low, especially at this time of year. There is good news, though! There is a blood drive going on near you, and the only requirements are that you are 17 years or older and weigh at least 110 pounds (and a few other things, but those are the important ones). Maybe, like me, you are too cheap to buy Christmas presents; then you should give someone a free gift by giving them your blood! Go to givelife.org now to make an appointment to give. I will be grateful, dying people will be grateful, and you will have a warm, fuzzy feeling this Christmas season (or maybe a slight burning sensation, but that goes away after they put the needle in ;)). Ok dudes, have a great day!

Fondestly,
Dr. J

PS - You also get fun stickers, free food, and a cool donor card to carry in your wallet when you give blood. Awesome!

PPS - Be sure to drink lots of water before your donation. It helps you bleed faster, reduces the chance of light-headedness, and water is just good for you in general.